Laeviss' Version of the Lokasenna

Another reprint from my other blog. Enjoy.

Laeviss’ translation of the Lokasenna in plain English, sprinkled liberally with UPG:
After he got hold of the gigantic cauldron, Aegir held a big feast in his hall for the Gods. A whole bunch of them came, including elves. Odin and Frigga were there. Thor wasn’t there, because he was out east. Thor’s wife, Sif, was there, and also Bragi, his wife Idunna, Tyr, Njord, Skadi, Vithar (one of Odin’s sons), Loki and Aegir’s two wizards, Fimafeng and Eldir.
Everyone at the feast was praising the abilities of Aegir’s wizards, and Loki, being thus challenged, bested Fimafeng, the Clever-Handed one, in a wizardly duel and won, causing Fimafeng’s death. The Gods shook their shields and howled. This was a good show. But Loki had caused a death in a place of celebration, and was driven out to the forest.
He turned back on his way to exile, and returned to the feasting hall. Outside, he met Eldir.
Loki: Tell me, Eldir, what they are talking about in the feasting hall.
Eldir: They are boasting of their weapons and prowess in battle, but not one here speaks of you.
Loki: I think I’ll go to this feast and give them reason to talk of me.
Eldir: If you go in there, it will be the worse for you.
Loki: If you bar my way, I’ll best you in a battle of spells for I’m richer by far in that art than you.
Eldir knew this to be true, so Eldir let him pass.
Loki: Set a place for me at your banquet, Gods. (There is a pause during which you can hear crickets chirping.) Hey, answer me, Gods! Are you too proud to respond?
Bragi: There will nevermore be a place for such as you with the Gods. Only real men gather here.
Loki: (ignoring Bragi and turning to Odin) Remember your oath to me, Odin. We are sworn brothers, and in your oath you vowed to pour no drink unless it was shared with me, also.
Odin: Arise, Vithar, and let the wolf’s father sit at our banquet. If we do not, he will curse us.
Vithar pours a drink for Loki, and Loki toasts the crowd.
Loki: Hail, to all the Gods and Goddesses here tonight. Except Bragi, who is a coward.
Bragi: Oh, my Gods, I will pay you off if you just shut up and go away!
Loki: You will never have enough money to pay me off, Bragi. Only those brave in battle earn the spoils of war.
Bragi: If it weren’t forbidden to shed blood in this hall, I’d have your head for that statement.
Loki: Oh, brave words now when we all know you can’t back them up! Come on outside the hall and we’ll have a duel, then.
Idunna: Bragi, do not fight with Loki! He is Odin’s brother, and the repercussions would be vast.
Loki: Shut up about brothers, Idunna! You slept with your own brother’s killer!
Idunna: (Sticking her fingers in her ears) La la la, I can’t hear you!!! I am merely trying to prevent my drunk husband from causing a scene.
Gefjion: Why are you arguing? It’s part of Loki’s job to point out hypocrisy.
Loki: I see through your disguise. You’re really Freyja, and I know who you’ve slept with.
Odin: Don’t anger her, Loki. She and I both have the gift of foresight, and know the fates of men.
Loki: Shut up, Odin! How often have you set someone up as your champion, then given the prize to another?
Odin: That may be so, but you used sex magic to get treasures from the Dwarves for me, and in doing so, played the woman.
Loki: Well, it is said that on Samos Isle you learned seid and dressed as a witch in order to do so, thus playing the part of a woman yourself.
Frigga: Let’s not talk about these things you did together in your youth. It isn’t seemly to make such information public knowledge.
Loki: Oh, be quiet, Frigga! You’ve had both of Odin’s brothers in your bed!
Frigga: If I had a son like Balder, he would challenge you for making that statement!
Loki: It’s technically my fault that Balder is no longer with the Gods.
Freyja: Don’t say that. Frigga knows well the truth, though she keeps quiet about it.
Loki: Well, you can just hold your tongue, too, Freyja! You’ve slept with all of the Gods and Elves here present!
Freyja: You have angered the Gods by telling these things, grief will come to you from it.
Loki: Oh, shut up! Don’t call the kettle black! You, yourself, have slept with your brother!
Njord: We don’t care that Freyja slept with her own brother. We just can’t stand it that you slept with yours.
Loki: Yeah, you drank giant piss, Njord. Who cares what you think?
Njord: Well, anyway, I have a really cool son in Frey. He’s the best!
Loki: You slept with your own sister to produce Frey. So there!
Tyr: When Frey joined the Aesir, he freed himself and his men from those old Vanic traditions! They now follow the Aesir laws of matrimony.
Loki: Tyr, do you really want me to tell everyone the story about how you lost your hand to a wolf?
Tyr: Yeah, I lost my hand, but you lost something just as important to you, didn’t you? How does that make you feel, bitch?
Loki: Shut up, Tyr. Your own wife bore a son to me, and I got away with that scott-free! How does that make you feel?
Frey: The wolf will remain in fetters until the world’s end. And we’ll make sure you stay fettered, too, wizard of evil!
Loki: You gave your sword up for the daughter of a giant. Now you will be weaponless at the last battle!
Byggvir (Frey’s servant) : If I were in a higher position like Frey, I’d crush you like barley corn.
Loki: Get back to your grindstone, you little kernel! Who the Hel are you to speak to me in this way?
Byggvir: I am Frey’s proud servant, and pour ale out to all!
Loki: You would cause argument and strife in the banquet hall, except you, being cowardly, are the little pieces they missed during harvest gleaning. Thus, we walk all over you.
Heimdall: Be quiet, Loki! You are drunk and raving. Why not leave this be?
Loki: Be silent, Heimdall! You, especially, among all this crowd know what I speak of, as you have been privy to its secrets.
Skadi: What I say is now coming to pass, that you, Loki, will no longer have the freedom you have long enjoyed. The Gods will bind you to the stones by iron bonds, forged at the death of your son.
Loki: That may be so, but I remind you that I led your father to his death.
Skadi: I have nothing but grim words for you, Loki.
Loki: You had better words for me when I gave to you my manhood.
Sif: (Pouring Loki a drink) Loki, have this fine drink of mead, and remember that I am one you cannot find fault with!
Loki: (Taking a drink) Well, I do know someone who slept with you besides Thor, your husband! So there!
Beyla: (Frey’s servant) Speaking of Thor, I hear him coming! He will silence your slander, Loki!
Loki: Shut up, Beyla! You have dirt enough on you for all of the Gods!
Thor: Shut your mouth, Loki, or my hammer will shut it for you! In fact, I’ll knock your head off!
Loki: Big words, Thor! Will you have as big an action when the wolf is threatening to consume Odin?
Thor: Shut up, unmanly one! My hammer will send you flying so far east that you’ll never be seen again!
Loki: I plan on living a long time, Thor. Remember how poorly you fared in the realm of giants? I am at home in that realm.
Thor: I tell you my hammer will shut your mouth and send you to Hel!
Loki: Oh, okay. I’ve said all I came to say. But since you really might smite me with that blessed hammer while you are in battle frenzy, I’ll go. But before I do, I say that Aegir will serve no more banquets for the Gods. I will curse Aegir’s hall with fire, that it be consumed by it.
After that, Loki went and hid himself at Franang’s waterfall, disguised as a salmon. The Gods found him, and captured him. They turned Loki’s son Vali into a wolf, who then tore apart his own brother, Narvi. Loki was bound to the stones with Narvi’s entrails. Skadi fixed a poisonous serpent over Loki’s head, and the poison drips down onto his face. Loki’s wife, Sigyn, catches the poison in a bowl. When the bowl gets too full, she walks away to empty it, and it is then that Loki writhes in agony. Men call these writhings earthquakes.