Many years ago, Laeviss was mentoring a ministerial candidate for the inter-faith church he belonged to. This particular candidate had a long history of flitting from one relationship to another. They all ended acrimoniously. She was, at the time, married to a man with whom she had begun an affair while he had been married to someone else. And this was not either her first or second marriage, as I recall.
She was unhappy in said marriage. He was cheating on her (what a surprise) and she was cheating on him (again, what a surprise.)
Laeviss was, at the time, living very happily alone in his very own lovely historic home, and often hosted gatherings for the ministerial candidates. One day, she said to Laeviss, "Oh, I would love to have a beautiful old house like this!"
Laeviss said, "It is no accident that I was able to buy this house. I'll tell you exactly how I did it. I desired a house like this, and I worked out a plan to get a house like this. No matter what anyone ever said to me (and they did say plenty of negative things, mind you, including stuff like 'there is no possible way you could ever afford such a house') I just went on with working towards my goal. I made about $7 an hour at the time I bought this house, and had very little money to put down, but I made it happen by my own hard work and determination. So, if there is something you want in life, make a plan and make it happen. Never settle for anything that you don't want. Because if you settle in life for something that you don't want, that is what you will end up with." And Laeviss has no intention of ever ending up with something that he doesn't want.
This same woman asked me for advice on relationships. She said to me, "Why do you always end up exactly where you want to be, and I always end up where I never wanted to be?" I essentially gave her the same exact advice as I had about the house, but in more detail. Here it is, in a nutshell:
There are three extremely important items of relevance when looking for a long term romantic partner: mutual physical attraction/chemistry, similarity of life goals/purpose, and commonality of interests. (And I'll add that a similar sense of humor also helps!) If your prospective relationship partner doesn't share *all three* of these things with you, plus tickle your funny bone, your relationship is likely going to fail miserably at some point in the future, usually sooner rather than later, and often following a protracted period of deep unhappiness.
I told her, "Your mistake is that you tend to form romantic attachments to any guy who asks you out, regardless if he is the "right" guy for you at all. Dating is a way to determine if the above three items of relevance apply in your prospective romance. If they don't, it's better to figure that out quickly, before an attachment forms, and move on, so that nobody gets emotionally hurt by a bad relationship. Remember: there is somebody (or maybe multiple somebodies) out there for everybody. but not everybody is right for *you*."
Sometimes suitability as a partner is relatively easy to determine in advance before a single date. When Laeviss was looking for a partner fifteen years ago, he was often asked out by guys. If those guys obviously shared none of those three items of relevance, Laeviss just politely declined the date.
Sometimes it isn't as obvious, and you need to have a date or two with the prospective partner in order to figure out if you do have the same life goals and interests. But if you don't, then your best bet is to curb the romance in advance and keep the friendship.
If you're looking for romance, and you've put out an online ad, state in clear, concise English exactly what you're looking for. Put it in the main body of your ad, not in the "fine print" so that any prospective partner knows who they might be asking out, and what your goals and interests are.
Talk a lot with the people you *do* decide to date. Discuss your goals with them. Remember, you are looking for somebody who also desires those goals on the same level that you do, and is willing to work as hard to achieve them as you are. You are looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, not Mr. or Ms. Right Now. You want the guy who passionately exclaims, "That's exactly what I'm looking for, too! Where have you been all my life?!"
Unless you are a huge fan of spontaneity and chaos, I'd also suggest looking at your prospective partner's background and track record with both life goals and relationships. If they've moved around a lot, had an extraordinary number of partners, and worked in many different and varied fields, this might be a good indication of personal and life goal instability. Beware of attaching yourself to such an individual, no matter how charming and charismatic they might be...if you value your sanity and your heart.
It's important to remember that one can't control other people's thoughts, feelings, goals, or desires. Sometimes one's life partner decides that their life goals are suddenly diverging from the mutually agreed-upon goal. If you are committed to your life goal, and don't welcome the change, then it's time to talk to your partner and either compromise, or decide that separating in order to follow separate life goals is the best choice for both parties.
It's your life, and your goal. Laeviss had an original name, once, way back in the mists of time. It translates roughly as "Earth-bound Focus-driven." It means something like, "Good luck getting Laeviss to go in any direction that he doesn't desire to go."
But, by the gods, is he Highly Motivated in his chosen direction.
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